I wish I could honestly say that I've never thought of ending my life. But, the fact is that's just part of my illness. It doesn't always come out as a stark clean thought. But, the idea of "I wish I'd never been born" or "I wish is would all just end" comes a lot. Especially during low points. The beautiful part of seeing my doctor is that when times are really dark I can just tell him exactly how I'm feeling and he takes it in and knows just what to do.
It is NOT something I'm proud of. It's NOT something I just play off as an oh well kind of thing. I have to be vigilant to watch out for these feelings so that I can always be proactive and take the action needed to keep it from getting out of control. I guess this is one of the things about Bipolar Disorder that is often misunderstood. Many people that that because I'm Bipolar I must just be this out of control freak. I don't know where this idea comes from except that many teens I've seen with this Disorder are given this excuse when they behave with know restraint or reserve whatsoever. Puhleeeese, they are teens with a disorder, they don't need excuses, they need to be taught all the more by parents and councilors to guide them through both the teenage years and how to deal with the Disorder.
It has taken many years to accept that I HAVE to stay on medication all the time, and the type of medication I need changes all the time. I always have to be on a mood stabilizer, but sometimes I'm super down and just want to die. That's when I need an antidepressant. Sometimes I'm scared, and shaking. Sometimes, it's so bad I can't breath. I have to catch that and take an anti anxiety medication then.
Medication does NOT fix everything, if keeps me calm enough to understand myself. It's like a band aid. One that never goes away.
I have been able to keep on top of my bills... mostly. Haha. And live a pretty normal life. I've dealt with a lot of setbacks. I've had things happen over and over that set me flying back to square one, but I pick myself up and rebuild the life that I need to have. I'm lucky to have found a man that understands what I go through. He has his own mental issues as well. We have found this push me pull you method works for us. When he is down I pull him up. When he is manic I bring him back down a little and he does the same for me.
The take away from this post is MEDICATION! I can't stress this enough. If you or someone you know is suffering from untreated mental illness... please get them medication. Without medication mental illness seems to suffer delusional ideas and denial. I know people that suffer from mental illness and think they are 'cured' whatever that is. Or they think if they just talk to someone once a week that will be enough to keep them level. That is not enough. And if you know or have kids that suffer from mental illness, please don't cripple them by using it as an excuse for them to get away with everything. They need a parent to be a parent more than ever. Keep it simple, keep it consistent, and keep it up to date. Make sure they can survive in the big bad world. It's hard enough with a sane person!